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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

More Google Fun

One of the things I love about blogging is the dialogue that can happen between the blogger and readers. Unfortunately for me though, sometimes people drive by my blog in their Google cars and deposit one-sided evidence that they’ve been here, leaving me wanting a chance to holler back after them. Now’s my chance to talk back to people who’ve reached the blog through the power of Google.

1. all we do is run santa barbara — Man, I’m jealous! I want to run Santa Barbara again! I am totally ready to move there as soon as someone sets me up with a mansion and a trust fund. The fresh air, the amazing vistas, the nice people, the yummy food, the overly-regulated-city-buildings-that-look-so-nice-and-uniform-and-soothing.

2. ran my first half marathon race report – I indeed have one of those first half marathon race reports! And my first full marathon too! And my first sprint triathlon! And my first Olympic tri.

3. shark poop. I’m sure shark do. Shark do doo-doo.

4. cubital fossa sweat. Now students, do you remember when we learned what your cubital fossa is? That’s right, cubital fossa sweat is sexy, sexy elbow pit sweat!

5. does stand up spinning worsen plantar fasciitis? YES. I wish I had known that would be the case for me. I do not have indoor spin bike shoes, which might help with that problem. Here’s how I managed to recover from plantar fasciitis.

6. is kt tape slippery? No, I’ve never found it so.

7. rash between legs. Um, you might want to see a doctor about that. If the rash is caused by running, though, I recommend Bodyglide Original Anti-Chafe Balm.

8. pantyhose head. Oh dear, are you planning on robbing a bank, or do you just find this Minute to Win It game funny?

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On Valentine’s Day I expressed my love for running. It should come as no surprise however, that I have a love-hate relationship with running. Sometimes the things (or people) you love the most are the ones that have the power to aggravate you the most. So here’s today’s list:

10 Things I Hate about Running

1. Injury. ‘Nuf said.

2. Pit stops. That sudden urge to “go” when there’s no bathroom in sight. (Oh dear, did I really make this Number 2 on the list? That’s not punny.)

3. A slogfest run. It happens to everyone (right?!) — the occasional run where you can’t seem to get out of first gear. Recently I ran for two hours and simply did not have many miles to show for my time. Let’s just say never again will I schedule a late day long run shortly after a meal of carnitas tacos. That lump of food felt like a ball of lead weighing down my belly and keeping me from running anywhere near a decent long run pace.

4. The Dreadmill. I’m pretty sure that treadmills without music, audiobooks or televisions are reserved for the people doomed to the sixth circle of Hell. The Heretics in Dante’s Inferno are trapped in flaming tombs in the sixth circle of Hell. When I’m sweating on the indoor treadmill without anything to entertain me, I imagine that’s what a flaming tomb feels like.

Spray paint on the sidewalk in St. Paul, Minnesota. Photo by Tony Walker.

Spray paint on the sidewalk in St. Paul, Minnesota. Photo by Tony Walker.

5. Pulling a sweaty shirt over my head after a run. The only thing worse is pulling a sweaty running bra over my head.

6. Speaking of sweaty…. Laundry, laundry, and more laundry. Sweaty workout clothes nearly double my weekly laundry loads. As my sister once noted, laundry is a Sisyphean task. In Greek mythology, Sisyphus was the cruel king of Corinth who was punished in Hades by being condemned to forever roll a large stone up a hill, only to have it roll back down over and over again as the stone neared the top.

7. Not to beat the sweat issue to death, but…. I cannot stand that transition at the end of a run where you go from sweating profusely in your running clothes to absolutely freezing when you stop running and the sweat evaporates in your own little scientific cooling experiment.

8. Ice baths. While an ice bath might sound like a great idea when I’m roasting in that sixth circle of Hell on the treadmill or running in the hot summer sun, I will never, ever get used to that first breath-taking moment when I dip my legs into a post-run ice bath.

9. $$$$. Don’t get me wrong, I love shopping for running gear. I’m not a shopper in general but running clothes and accessories? Sign me up! I just don’t enjoy plunking down the money for them. I justify the cost by reminding myself that any money I spend on exercise is “free” money that is “saving” me the money I would otherwise have to spend on anti-depressants and other health-related bills.

10. People who do not follow proper race etiquette. People who do not line up with the appropriate pace group should be required to take over for Sisyphus for a while. People who do not pull over to the right to walk or tie shoelaces should be condemned to that sixth circle of Hell.

What’s your running pet peeve?

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Don’t worry men, you don’t have to avert your eyes for this one, we’re not talking about that kind of burning. We’re talking about the burning questions that bring searchers to Fit Fun Mom via Google. I am here to help!

1. black running shoes are they bad

Now that depends on what you mean by “bad.” Bad as in “cool”? Totally! My husband says I look like I’m on a secret military mission when I wear my black Brooks and my black running tights and top. I like looking fierce!

Runner in black

The fierce Fit Fun Mom in black takes on Mammoth in winter

(Confession: I only bought the black pair because they were cheaper on Amazon and I am nothing if not cheap). Are black shoes bad in the traditional sense? Only if you’re concerned about visibility, and even then you are better off relying on your shirt and shorts to make you visible to others on the road.

2. can you swim breaststroke in a wetsuit?

Absolutely! A wetsuit might totally feel restrictive but it won’t keep you from swimming breaststroke. You won’t get far (you’re way faster doing freestyle) but you can do it. I do it when I suddenly need to catch my breath during a triathlon swim.

3. do kids have to swim freestyle in triathlon

Nope! Adults don’t have to swim freestyle either! In triathlon you can swim any which way you want as long as you are propelling yourself forward under your own power.

4. can you swim in the Santa Ana River?

Dude, the better question is why would you want to swim in the Santa Ana River? The Santa Ana Regional Water Quality Control Board names one of its challenges as, “Reduce salts and nutrients in manure and wash water from dairy operations overlying the Chino Groundwater Basin that have severely degraded groundwater quality and threaten downstream water quality.” Eww! It goes on to say it needs to “[m]anage nonpoint sources of pathogens that continue to affect the quality of the Santa Ana River, thus rendering the river unsuitable for swimming.” So no, do not dip your toe in that river. Besides, half the time the river looks like this:

The Santa Ana River, not exactly flowing along swimmingly

5. penis for women to pee

I know I wrote about the Shewee: For Women on the Go “To Go” and I did talk about penis envy, but even I had to giggle when someone searched for “penis for women to pee.”

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After a fantastic Labor Day weekend it’s back to our regular programming. I thought we could all use a laugh as we dive into the week. My three girls provide plenty of entertainment….

  • I caught my four-year-old pushing buttons on the telephone and asked her to hang it up before she accidentally called someone. She assured me I didn’t need to worry. “The only person I call on this phone is the one who says, ‘Hang up and try again.'”

 

  • My seven-year-old lost her fifth tooth. She wrote a note to the Tooth Fairy (identity fully known): “I wont to keep my tooth but can you give me mune”? She got her wish. One dollar for each year of age. The Tooth Fairy is very generous around here, after my oldest daughter knocked out her first tooth on the concrete floor of a basement when she was three.

 

  • When we went to Zuma Beach for the Nautica Malibu Triathlon open water swim clinic, my 10-year-old caught a Pismo clam and declared it her new pet. The clam’s name? Chowder. Don’t worry, a week later, Chowder was returned to the ocean in its new home at San Clemente City Beach.
San Clemente City Beach

Goodbye clam “Chowder.” We hope you like San Clemente City Beach!

  • I discovered that someone had drawn on the living room blinds in pen. It looked suspiciously like the handiwork of my 4-year-old, but she denied it. “That wasn’t me. I remember not doing it.”

What funny thing have you heard or seen lately?

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Oh my goodness, I am about to bring women everywhere a valuable public service announcement. If you’ve ever wished you could pee standing up, here is your cure for penis envy.

It’s the Shewee, the hilarious yet oh-so-practical female urination device for the athlete on the go! You pull aside your underwear, place the Shewee securely to your body, aim away from your feet, complete your business, shake dry and place the Shewee back in its case or a resealable bag. Here’s the illustration from the company in case you’re having trouble picturing it:

Right off the bat I can see at least three uses for this for female athletes:

1. To avoid having to sit on the nasty seat at the race porta potties.
2. To pee discreetly while on the race course without having to wet oneself or wait in line at an all-too-rare porta potty on the course.
3. To finally be able to write your name in the snow.

Why had I never heard of this before?! Apparently this is only one of several brands of such devices on the market. Another reusable brand folds up compactly, and there are disposable, cardboard versions, too.

So ladies, let’s get down to business. Would you use the Shewee? Have you tried it or something like it? Have you ever squatted in the bushes at a race? Have you ever wet yourself (on purpose) while running, just to save valuable race time?¬†

FTC disclosure: Amazon.com links support this blog at no cost to you and do not affect the opinion of FitFunMom.

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Here’s a little running humor to start your week off right:

After three pregnancies, my regular shoe size went up half a size to 9.5. When I bought my first pair of running shoes, they were a size 10.5. Then the manufacturer changed the model for the new year and I needed a — gasp — 11. As I trained for my first triathlons and half marathon, I lost 17 pounds and with those, lost one full bra cup size! Ladies, can any of you relate?

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